Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
