the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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