so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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