apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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