I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
