He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
