I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This is my gift to your gina
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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