I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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