He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
