she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
