if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
