I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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