I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
