i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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