if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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