dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
