When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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