my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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