Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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