having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
