You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
