yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
