I was born with a shot glass in my hand
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just found puke in my bra..
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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