My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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