Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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