He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
