Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
