My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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