His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
