when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We named our party play list daddy issues
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
