Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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