I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
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