I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
