On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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