I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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