I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
