do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
