I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
