i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
