apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
