Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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