i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
