can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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