I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
