Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
