we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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