This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
