i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
