u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
