I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
