So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i think i just lost a toe
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
